Sibu Expedition (19.05.2019 - 24.05.2019)

[谢谢你] 李代沫

It’s been a long 6 days. Some background information: Sibu is where you meet a group of people too fabulous, and you guys work really hard to survive:

1. 5 days of kayaking

2. Pushing through 1,000,000 limits

3. Staying alive and finding firewood and cooking

4. Not bathing for the whole journey, and eventually getting lazy to brush your teeth

(Yes, we were not the most hygienic bunch)

Day 1: 19 May - Pulau Sibu to Kukus

Honestly the most horrible day of the trip.

I was really awkward with my partner, and I didn’t know how to communicate with her and I was also really irritated when she packed many unnecessary items. Because I didn’t really know how to communicate with her, it was absolutely frustrating when she stopped paddling / did not paddle in sync with me (since she was sitting behind, she needed to match my paddling).

When we finally reached the island, things didn’t get any better - we had to pitch tents, collect firewood, cook dinner, etc. which was both horrible and tiring.

To make things worse, I couldn’t pee in the sea no matter how hard I tried, so I ended up holding everything in for the entire day - which was obviously really uncomfortable. At the end of the day, I was struggling with staying awake and helping out with things that needed to be done. Luckily, the food was still okay though the Bee Hoon was slightly raw.

Learning Points

1. Perseverance Imagine if our leader had given up on the Bee Hoon, what would we eat? If everyone gave up like I did, what would have happened?

2. Team over Self “Servant Leadership” isn’t it? If you re in a team, then you’re working for the team, not for yourself.

3. With the benefit of hindsight: I can’t help but think about how privileged I was feeling at that point in time. I don’t recall stepping out of my comfort zone to ask my partner to share her train of thoughts, or even making the effort to coordinate our paddling, but instead just left it to her to fix all the problems we had been facing, with the excuse that I was sitting in front. I just recall taking things at face value and just being angry that things weren’t going the way I wanted them to, which is a habit I’m really glad I got rid of.

Day 2: 20 May - Kukus to Lima Besar

A better day, but also a day of lots of tears and fears.

Long story short, we did cliff jumping on day 2, which was obviously horrible because of my fear of heights. But for whatever reason, I still did it. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

I climbed up the cliff with shaky legs, and when I thought the worse was over, I found a giant gap between 2 cliffs that I needed to cross before I could get to the correct position to jump off.

Throughout the whole experience, one of my other friends was my main form of motivation. She held on to me and calmed me down to breathe when I was scared out of my wits. Once again, it really wasn’t pretty.

I was the last to jump in the end. The moment I stood at that cliff and looked down, I panicked. The cheers were gone, everything was gone, and I was just left with myself and my panic. It was scary how fear just overtook logic and I simply couldn’t move. Thankfully my teacher was there to shove me off the cliff or I’d probably still be standing there now (perhaps not so much since I’d have died from starvation or dehydration)

No idea how I did it, but I jumped. Like seriously. That moment when you haven’t landed and you’re just in the air, trying not to die. That scared me the most. Afterward we climbed several other steep cliffs and eventually got through them because of one another’s support and help. Without the rope the teachers tied and without one another’s handholding, we would’ve probably rolled down the cliff in 20 seconds.

Learning Points

1. Support from friends Without support, I don’t think i would have been possible for me to jump. I remember exactly the shaky legs, the palpitating heart, the heavy breaths and even the tears after the jump. I jumped, perhaps not because I was brave, but because of the support I was given. No matter how strong someone is, we live in a system of support (humans are after all social creatures!) That can’t, and hopefully will never change.

2. Nothing’s impossible I don’t think I’ve ever dreamt that I would jump down a cliff. I get scared from dreaming of falling. Jumping down a cliff? Nah, definitely not me. Like, I’m not joking. Not. Me. But still, I did it in the end. And so I have it, yes I have my comfort zone so whatever’s outside may seem scary and dubious. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

3. With the benefit of hindsight: I think at that point in time, ‘facing your fears' and ‘stepping out of your comfort zone’ were concepts that were really glorified. At age 15, who would want to admit that they’re afraid of something? But instead of conquering my fear of heights, I think that entire experience actually worsened my fear of heights. But that doesn’t make sense, does it? People always say that if you do it once, you won’t be afraid anymore. But I think that you have to first be ready to do it before you can truly overcome the fear. I wasn’t. I was forced up there due to peer pressure, and eventually, I didn’t even jump down based on my own will. And so, I think the lesson is that if you’re not ready for something, even if you do it, you may not get your expected results. It’s one thing to try, and another thing to be prepared for whatever consequence and result.

Day 3: 1 May - Lima Besar to Simbang to Tinggi

One of the hardest weather to kayak in. Horrible morning, but the best afternoon.

It was really hot in the morning. By hot, I mean literally scorching *hot*. Burning my skin off kind of hot. But I think I suffered a heat injury that day, so I got seasick too. I felt absolutely HORRIBLE. That was when I started to give up. Because my partner wasn’t helping, I desperately needed emotional support. And so, I wanted to stop kayaking. To rest. It was morals against desires. I think that was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.

To make things worse, when we reached Simbang, it was inhabitable. So we kayaked to Tinggi instead.

The afternoon was a lot better. Our team started bonding through that. We played, sang, and laughed. It was the best day of the trip. To make things better, the sky was filled with stars. Pretty, pretty stars, that gave me so much, or even too much, comfort and encouragement.

Learning Points

1. I can be selfish at times. When you do so much for someone but get nothing in return - that’s when it gets frustrating. And then the negative sides of me start to show. That feeling, to me now, is okay. It’s natural, human instinct. In fact, what matters more is how I react to it. How I choose to respond defines who I am.

2. Support again! The little things The little things like singing a song together makes the whole kayaking journey faster and shorter. Never be afraid to do something, because every small action, every short phrase, counts.

3. With the benefit of hindsight: There’s a theory called “response vs react”. According to the wellness corner, reactions are done on impulse, without putting much thought into it or considering what the end result may be. Response - It can be defined as saying something in reply to an action or a statement. The response is more thoughtful and done with reasoning. People who respond put their thoughts ahead of their actions. While we don’t have ownership over our emotions, we definitely can control our actions - and that’s what’s the most important.

4. With the benefit of hindsight #2: I remember feeling very jealous because my partner, who was the team leader of the day, was caring for everyone else apart from her partner. But I also remember that I was one of the most stoic members of the team. I didn’t ask for help, so I didn’t get it. I think there are 2 lessons here - firstly, if you need something, you have to ask for it and communicate to be able to receive it. Most people are not psychics and cannot read your mind. Secondly, as a leader, it’s really important to ask people if they need help - some of them may be less comfortable with reaching out for support, and as a leader, the best thing you can do to help is to offer.

Day 4: 22 May - Tinggi to Mentinggi and back to Tinggi

I loved the stars.

Day 4 basically meant kayaking to Mentinggi and back again. The day was, to be honest, really good. Apart from the shucking of oysters which was not the most enjoyable. But then we snorkeled and I got closer to a few friends, which was great.

The best part of the day was, ironically, the night.

The night sky was fabulous, as usual. The comfort provided by the stars was immeasurable. That night, we sat together, knowing very well it was the last night we were spending on a beach together. We sang, and sang, and sang. It was a really chilly night, but warm to my heart. I think that was true friendship - even if it may be somewhat fleeting. That warm feeling of awe, and the mixed feelings of singing our hearts out, of singing 毕业照 (a Nanyang graduation song) under the sky of stars. I can’t put it into words, but I hope I’ll always remember that warmth of friendship.

Learning Points

1. What true friendship is Friendship isn’t just about speaking and being happy together. It’s about being able to sit in a circle, where everyone, regardless of their differences, can sit together in silence, and communicate not just through words, but from the bottom of our hearts.

Day 5: 23 May - Tinggi to Sibu

Going back day! I was also Day IC.

This was a great day. The morning started in a blur with me being day leader with my friend. To be honest, I was really self-conscious of what I did. It was, or rather, seemed extremely important to do the ‘right’ thing. I was nervous and all because I was so afraid of messing up and pulling the team down with me. Thankfully, my day leader partner was really helpful.

After the busy time in the morning, the kayaking experience was really, really good. There were some problems with back-bearing though. Thankfully, with the help of my teacher and my kayaking partner, I started to understand the concept more. The difficult part was getting the team to listen, which wasn’t that successful in the end and we ended up kayaking a few more kilometers. But what mattered was that we stuck together, and sang together. It didn’t matter that we kayaked more to me.

Day 5 was also my first BBQ experience, which was really really great. Late nights also meant affirmation circles, where I was affirmed for the many little things, which honestly came as a surprise. It did feel good to be appreciated though. We all slept late that night because there was a really emotional night's talk, which continued to bring warmth.

Learning Points

1. Support No one’s a one-man island, as cliche as this sentence is, it’s true. No matter how strong you are, it’s true.

2. The little things It’s interesting how the smallest things can make someone’s day. The little phrases that can bring the group together. So, never be afraid to say or do anything. You’re probably not being extra and people really do appreciate it more than you know, so that’s nice.

3. Confidence As the day leader, I had to lead the group to complete tasks, and clarity is needed when giving instructions. As clarity comes along, so does confidence. Without confidence, there’s no influence - but that’s needed to motivate the group. I needed to stop doubting myself, and have a little more trust - both in myself and in others.

4. Reading the ground and asking for help “The best thing a leader can do is nothing” ~quoting my teacher I would have scoffed at this a few years ago. But now that I think about it, it’s true to a certain extent! Being independent is cool, but not overly independent - that’s not cool. Asking for help doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I try my best to include everyone, and it means getting something done more effectively, together.

5. It’s the process that matters I liked how none of us groaned when we had to kayak more. We were kayaking, not to be the fastest, but to kayak together. To stick together. That’s the point of a team - not to be the best, but to be at our best, because that’s what matters most.